It’s been another week of training indoors – first at Toguri, then at the YMCA, then back to the YMCA, and repeat. This weekend should be the first weekend in three that it’s been reasonable to ride outdoors. The first winter I was here, I rode outdoors all the time, regarless of temperature. But it helped that I was commuting to work, it was an incentive. Now I’m home office based, it’s harder to find the motivation to get going.

Lots of body pain. Abducter (minimus and magnus) both in intense pain. How can I tell the difference which is which? I can’t – see if you can on this drawing.

Massage, where is my massage? My main guy is in DR and not coming back till this weekend, so I stretch, slather with vicks and cream and hope for the best. Severe ass pain. As in literally my ass. Focus on calm center – I wish, much kissing in the dark imagining an end to this suffering. Unfortunately, the beep beep beep of the alarmed door is some way off. Stress is a communicable disease – the only way to beat it is through it.

I am getting stronger. It’s a good feeling. Like riding the city bus through the hot day and rough neighbourhoods and getting off with a bit more change still in your pocket.

Patience is not my favorite trait in myself, I love it in others, but in myself I prefer hard forward motion. I get bored in the same town more than a day or two. The great thing about biking is the freedom of expression to explore it brings and this is just not possible in a gym. I love the focused training sessions because they push me, but even so I see how quickly my body needs more workload to get better.

Call my black town car – I’m off to follow the camera crew to success. I want to be at a training camp with the Pros, I want to be riding behind the squad on the hills in Majorca, or climbing Haleakala, or spinning into the sea breeze descending into Monaco. So many places to explore and visit, all of which I’m getting out of my mind to visit while I’m working hard in one place on the stationary bike.

My mind wanders to what I will do after my next big race, and how I can afford to pay to play, and how much it takes from other things I do, and how I need it regardless of the impact. Do I go all in and push for the freedom to ride and write, which is what I yearn to do. We’ll see. I know for sure that the best responses I get are to the things I love the most. So it becomes a personal decision. Stop at the dep on the way back from the gym and get a coke for a treat or keep going, keep suffering and get better.

I keep on walking, going nowhere, getting better.